Something About Her, Chapter-4

To love someone that cannot love you back
To be loved like no other when you are ready to collapse
Pouring into another the utmost devotion and grace
Waiting so patiently for their effervescent waters to flow so you can taste

Life restored to the veins of memories past
Broken hearts mended from the love you gave but were not asked
An aura of love surrounds me and gives me comfort within its perfection
What a fine day that we met just out of chance of which I will question

No need for complements or airs of pretension
You give the highest level of love from a friendly reaction
To say I do not love you would be treason
My utmost, who fearlessly loves me without reason

—Rebecca Maiese

Vinod entered the room with sweat breaking inhibition. He was very aware of what he might do. This feeling had never left him, he felt a certain tug, no, a known pull. He couldn’t bring himself to knock the door. Finally, he did, and when he did, she opened the door for him and it all went back to normal. She was not dressed proactively or in any way exposing parts she shouldn’t. Very simply dressed in Pjamas and a sweat shirt, it seemed she covered up all the more for the occassion. The room looked normal, and no eerie feeling caught him. He sat down, she had old Monk on the table. Of course, by now, he was used to her knowing things about him.

One peg loosened him up enough to strike up the courage to ask Smitha questions other than the whole bizarre affair of time travel.

‘So, tell me something, why would someone like you, love, someone like me?’,He asked.

‘I don’t have any reason why I love you. I mean there are a million reasons why I like you, but I can’t tell you one reason why I love you. err. The future you.’

‘hmmm’, he accepted the response, even if he didn’t quite understand it. He got up to get another peg. She pulled a Classic Milds.

‘I didn’t know you smoked’,he was curious.

‘I smoke yeah, but in future, wanted to keep the habit at bay for as long as I could.’,Smitha was slightly reddened with embarrassment.

‘I couldn’t have told you everything! It’s impossible that I tell anyone everything. I don’t tell anyone everything!’,Vinod could hear himself talk and chuckled at the thought.

‘Okay, go on ask me whatever you think is your deepest darkest secret.’,Smitha accepted the challenge.

‘Fine…’Vinod said, amused,’ have I ever told you of having done something extra ordinary in college, like…’

‘Dating two girls at the same time as part of a dare’, Smitha interrupted.

Vinod was shocked, no one and absolutely no one knew about it except his college friends.

‘My first book, that I ever read. The one that pulled me in the world of books!’,Vinod bombarded another one.

‘The Lord of Flies by William Golding’, Smitha was enjoying this game.  Vinod was stunned, only his 4th grade English teacher knew about that.

‘If I had to pick between Seth’s An Equal Music and A suitable boy, which would I pick?’

‘you prefer An Equal Music, but I could never read it, and you took offense at that. I love A suitable boy. I think they are both equally good. An Equal Music is a little more technical wrt love and music. But they are both pretty great.’ Smitha was lost in the memory of Seth’s books.

When Smitha returned to reality from her thoughts, she looked at Vinod who was just looking at her.

‘I can’t believe you, honestly! What is it that is so terrible that you have to travel back in time to fix.’,Vinod had a very gentle concern in his eyes.

Smitha closed her eyes, she saw it everyday in her head, like there was only one channel stuck in her head and only one show kept repeating itself. The night when Smitha dropped Vinod home later in the future, and Supriya was standing there holding their son at gun point. The quarrels, apologies, shots! She killed the ten year old boy in cold blood, shot Vinod in the head twice and finally killed herself. The memory was so intense for Smitha, she couldn’t help control her tears and Vinod had to shake her back to the present time and hold her, for she was shivering.

She broke down in Vinod’s arms. The tears that were never shed before, when she saw them take his body, the tears that were never shed during the sleepless nights for the next few years. the tears that were never shed once, because who was she to cry. For the world, Smitha never existed for Vinod. It was just him, she just existed for him, to him.

Vinod overpowered by the sense of something very powerful, kissed Smitha on the forehead. He thought it would help her, but it helped him instead. He kissed her again to feel something. Like he had been waiting for her, his entire existence and it finally came through. He crushed her in his arms and recreated her. It was a long night and they both, in a state of trance, just kept completing each other’s rhythm.

The sun broke into the room and woke Vinod up. Smitha was all dressed and ready to leave. She sat down beside him, softly grazed her hand on his cheeks and spoke with such gentleness, ‘Remember what I told you, it is imperative that you do what I told you. you will know who I am, when you realize it, just go away.’

She said it, and left the room. What she didn’t notice was the look on his face, for if she had seen Vinod’s face. She would know, that it was already too late. He was already madly in love with her.

 

Something About her, Chapter 3

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

—William Ernest Henley

 

‘Oh, that’s it?! Believe you me I don’t want to know you!’,Vinod was talking, but somewhere he knew he didn’t mean it.

‘That hurt! But I guess I have earned it. Listen, it might sound easy right now, but there will come a time when you won’t be able to…well…resist me.’She said in a slight smug way.

‘Is that it? Is that all?’, Vinod asked, calmer now.

‘Yes…I guess my work here is done.’,smitha knew what was coming next.

There was an awkward silence. Nobody knew what to do or what to say. Smitha was the one to break the silence.

‘So,  I am going to go back in my time now. See if what I did, made any difference.’,Smitha picked up her bag.

‘Wait, listen, I know I have been very rude to you. Not welcoming at all. I am curious what is it that happens in the future that you are trying to avoid.’Vinod asked.

‘I can’t tell you that’, She smiled. ‘But we can spend time just talking maybe’.

For some reason Vinod wanted to stay and figure out this beautiful, mysterious woman who was looking at him like she knew him. The fact that she knew everything about him, and still looked at him with adoration, baffled him. He thought nobody who actually knew him could like him, let alone love him. Here she was, beautiful, intelligent, witty and clearly, in love with him. The way she looked at him, with fierce protection and belonging. Like it was something so obvious, like it was the rule that she loved him, and anyone he knew who didn’t was so foolish. Supriya could never see Vinod like that, with utter confidence, unconditional love, especially after Josephine.

Smitha clicked her fingers to snap Vinod back to reality. ‘You can ask anything apart from what I am about to avoid’.

‘Okay then, how is the future, you know, for me?’,Vinod asked.

‘It’s pretty amazing. You and Supriya have a boy, you guys are really happy. You land nice jobs in the future, and become the supervisor Technical Head in Infocomm. It’s all rosy. Except for one problem.’

‘What?’

‘Me…’,Smitha laughed but it was a hollow laughter.’Can I make a request? I have a hotel room booked in my name, Can we have a few drinks together before I leave? Inside the room, nobody would recognize you, can you do that?’

Every bone in Vinod’s body wanted to say yes…but he knew what that might cost him. He had promised himself, never again. yet, something was just not right about denying the offer. He thought maybe a few hours, what difference can it make.

He decided to go with her. He could, afterall, handle a few drinks.

Something about her, Chapter 1

She quietly stood after the event. Mostly, at this time, she would just smoke, but that wasn’t how it was right now. She had not yet picked up smoking and she couldn’t alter anything on her journey, she knew that. ‘Changing the past, would be apocalyptic’ . If only, they could take away that peace and quiet that dawned upon her, when she drew the smoke from her lips.

She snapped back to reality when he walked out of the chamber. She could’ve recognized him in a million people, smart intelligent eyes, perfect jawline, creaseless forehead which contained that thick head of his, she laughed to herself at the memory of just how many times she had called him that when she was pissed. Most of all, however, she remembered that smile, that beautiful smile which had such an effect, she couldn’t look directly at it. It quite literally lit everything around it. He stopped momentarily to look at her, maybe sensing something. She got all the more nervous, had he recognized her, no but it was impossible, there was still time, atleast another 10 years before he met her.

She shrugged off the feeling, and went up to him. He was surrounded by people congratulating him, asking him how he remembered everything, how he read so much, how many quizzes were useless for them cuz he would win them anyway. She stood behind him, breathing him in, she just wanted to touch his broad shoulder and hug him, but she didn’t.

‘Hi, Mr. vinod, quite a performance.’, he turned around, she could see the unsettled feeling in his eyes. The feeling which was just about right, because he had somewhere in his head recognized her, just didn’t know it. He felt everything he would later feel for her, but didn’t know why.

‘why, thank you, ma’am’, he replied. Ughh, she hated it when he called her that. Today, however, he didn’t know.

There was an umcomforatble lull, This part of the country was not used to women walking up to them and making conversation. She eased them off, but not for long because her next statement was just out of the world. ‘Can I ask you to join me for coffee, there is something I really need to talk to you about’.

Vinod was perplexed. His buddies were sharing secret smiles and nods and he was very aware of them. He was so weak in the knees but he couldn’t do anything. He was sorted of like charmed, and wanted to know more about this enchantress. ‘I am sorry, maam, but I need to go home to my wife’. He said specially emphasizing the last word, so as to make a point.

‘oh well, I would hardly take 15 minutes’, She said thinking of all those times, he had called her stubborn and persistent.

Vinod was now just irritated at the reaction his friends were giving him, he would be asked about this for months, teased but then again, when has a beautiful girl of 25 walked upto any of his friends and asked them to coffee. So he agreed and they went to a nearby coffee shop. Something where they could smoke, because she knew he would light one with his coffee.

‘Have you heard of rasputin?’, She asked him sipping the extremely sweet filter coffee.

‘Yes, I have.’ He was being shy.

‘I know you must be wondering why have I come to meet you, or more importantly, who I am.’

‘You are sharp’, wow so he was sarcastic too back then.

‘you are not going to belive what I am going to tell you’

‘look lady…’, ‘Smita, Smita is my name’

‘look Smita, I need to get back home, so can we please just hurry this along, who are you and what do you want from me.’

‘very well then’, she started. ‘I have come from the future, I meet you exactly 10 years from today through a quiz in Infocomm.’

He looked at her in disbelief, and what she thought as a mix of laughter and rage.

‘It’s tough to digest I know but you have to believe me, its imperative that you…’

He cut her off with a wave of her hand, she still got irritated with the same tone of ignorance, why wouldn’t he just listen!

‘look lady! I don’t care about your hokum pokum, you are wrong. I don’t work in Infocomm, I work with Cogtrade! I don’t intend on going back to Infocomm!

‘you will, next year,when supriya would take a sabatical and…’he cut her off again.

‘you know supriya? you know my wife!? Is this her prank! I can’t belive it…but she never does anything like that!’

‘Yes, I know her, and your son…’ she calculated,’ who hasn’t been born yet! sorry, I didn’t know if you wanted it to be a surprise.’

He got up towards the smoke shop. ‘I have your cigarette right here, kings right?’ He sat back down, slowly. There was something about this girl, the conviction she had in her voice, either this was a bad bad joke or maybe, just maybe, she was really from the future.

 

MINE!!!!

Lately I have developed an acute dislike for whiners. Not that I had any soft corner for them before, but these days, I have zero tolerance for them. Nothing against anybody, its just annoying how some people can never be happy. Then again, I think, I shouldn’t be too judgmental, all of us are dissatisfied mostly, so much so, we have started to call it human nature.

So is it? is it human nature to be dissatisfied and unhappy? Because if the answer to the aforementioned question is yes, the world is a very depressing place to live in. Question is do we really never get what we wan’t or are we just expecting too much and then getting disappointed for the same? No, I don’t mean here that we should be happy with what we have or look at what others don’t have…no! That’s a different dimension all together.

What I mean is do we really never get exactly what we desire from the world? In the same size and shape and color and look we wan’t.

Because if we don’t then, honestly, all of us are living a lie. Running towards a future, we have already compromised on. working for a life we know will only satisfy us partially. Even if we have the balls to pursue what we desire, most often than not, we think of the road not taken.

So, maybe the problem is not us expecting more or not knowing when to stop. Problem is defining happiness and expectation and satisfaction.They are called abstract  for a reason.

These feelings are as and when they come, so why are we so afraid of just venturing into them without looking twice to see if something will hit us. How dare we blame our damage on the world when we don’t have the strength of taking life as it comes.

Why are we so busy defining our feelings when we could just live them. Why are we entangled in the white and the black, the yin and yang, when we could just make our presence felt in the lives of those around us.

But, guess, if life was that simple, we’d call it football. Or maybe, simplifying it is a very complicated task in itself, something to ponder upon! 🙂

I sure was…

When I was born, I was a believer. I had faith, immense faith. I believed in nature’s goodness. The just balance of a higher power. I believed there was a quota of everything. My quota of good, my share of bad, wisdom, stupidity, love, hatred. While growing up, my parents taught me to judge myself, only myself. I remember they told me, if anyone else judges you , check yourself and subject yourself to the highest degree of assessment. If you measure up, don’t listen to them. If you don’t, ask yourself what would you wan’t to do about it.

What goes around comes back around, so don’t hurt people. You might not be able to live with the regret. I never asked them, what if they hurt me? I should’ve. I believed in patience, that what I did was my business, what others did, would be theirs and so would be the consequence. I believed in being friendly to whoever I met. Don’t judge a book by its cover. Welcome people with open arms. To that I received a cold shoulder, they thought I was either too desperate  for attention, or I was simply overwhelming.

I waited for the people who hurt me to apologize, I had decided to forgive them, the moment they did. They never apologized. I still forgave. I was told to take the higher road, for my clear conscience. I did, but now I cry at nights, because I can’t seem to understand how they sleep at night.

I gave, and gave more when I saw it was required, hoping I would be, if nothing else, acknowledged for it. I was taken for granted. People took from me and never looked back. They said things and never felt bad. I told myself, it’s okay, I know I am a good person. I didn’t judge them, I knew they were just lost and they would come around. No one did.

I have a clear conscience because I apologized every time I hurt some one. I helped people in need and didn’t mind if they didn’t say thank you. I forgave people who hurt me. I let go off them, when they asked me too, even if it ripped me apart.

I have a clear conscience, but I don’t believe anymore.

Now, people ask me, you are too young, how can you lose faith already? I don’t know what to tell them.